Aimless

Fist morning up without Rudy. Very sad. I've lost my friend and part of my life's purpose it turns out. So much of my brain was devoted to his care that it's a bit unsettling not to have him to think about when I get up - what's for breakfast, where to go for a walk today, what woudl he like to do?

So many of the small joys in my life came from his joy - me being able to do something that made him happy. That was a wonderful feeling and I am now realising that those small daily joys will be hard for me to find anywhere else. I could try this with the people around me but who am I kidding? I did this with Rudy because of the way I felt about him...different from how I feel about most people.

A friend called me last night to offer condolences and she said "you two found each other at just the right time - you  helped him out a lot but he was really good for you at that time in your life." She very correct. Rudy came in to my life (on a daily basis, as he was my sister's dog) when my personal life was a mess and my mind was all over the place. He gave me focus and made me think about someone else before myself. He paid me back for anything I did in in spades with supreme love that never wavered even when I was an idiot. He enjoyed every minute he spent with me and unbelievably for someone as prickly as me, I loved every moment around him.

So part of the mourning I am going through right now is for the loss of the greatest friend I have ever had - but the other is, selfishly as usual, for myself. For the loss and change that I am facing. For the fear that my life has changed for the worse in the last few days and what if I cannot get it back on track, as it was with Rudy? I knwo that I have changed over the time that I have had Rudy and I believe this was for the better. So I want to be sure that these changes stay, a fitting tribute to my boy, my handsose man, my best friend. Perhaps this is what my new purpose needs to be, as God knows I do not want to feel the rudder slip from my hands again.

The finest and truest thing I can say about Rudy is that while he came from a shelter, no one saved him, it was always the other way around.