you know, I don't live over there. No I don't. So the least, the VERY LEAST I expect from you all is to, once in a while FFS, update me on what is happening.
Ross Kemp went to Afghanistan???
JESUS PEOPLE.
these are things I need to know.
Trunkt.com has accepted my application!
Trunkt is a place where retailers and wholesalers can go to hook up with people who make handmade items, such as meself. You have to apply and they have to like your stuff and not feel it is too simliar to many other applications etc.
More importantly, you have to have good photos of your stuff so it's a BIG HOLY FUCK that I got past their application process. My photographs of the stuff I make look like the village idiot was given free rein with the camera. I must have hundreds of pic of cards etc and I could only fish out a few I thought might be all right for this. My ability to take pics is slowly improving but I do seem to have a bit of a developmental block there!
I'm not sure what membership there will do for me, but I am optimistic! And now I have to go add a bunch of images or something...
I don't' want this to become the blog of my misery, but I guess it's fair that it will take me a little while to be my cheery old self. There are still flowers arriving (from my Dad) as well as ashes and containers for said ashes (the boy and I both got bullet urns that will work like a necklace - Rudy hated to be left behind so now he can go everywhere with me) and notices from the SPCA that donations are being made in Rudy's name, which is great because it means that even in death he is still helping others.
But it does suck and I wish he was still here - Roland is now dealing with regretful Peanut who believes that had she been to a better doctor sooner, things would have been different - but he was 13.5 years old, maybe even older than that so really, it would have come soon enough.
It's surprising still to see how much of my brain was taking up with considerations of the dog - what to feed him, where to take him, what would he like to do. It will take a while for other things to seep into the brain and take up that space. If anyone catches me trying to mother my old Curious George doll, please shoot me.
And in a month or two my sister and her family will arrive here - her husband got a job here and they will be just a 15 minute drive away from my place. this means many good times - and they recently got a little dog who is a mini-Rudy, in appearance only mind. She's hardly a patch on his skill with people but she has a good heart and a very busy mind. Really very busy. And she does this hilarious thing where you get her a very large chunk of ice - say 12 inches by 15 - and she will sort of grab it with her front paws and push it frantically all over town, propelling herself like a village idiot with her back legs, all the while trying to lick the ice chunk. She's very fun and sweet.
So things are looking up - they woudl have to I guess : )
Fist morning up without Rudy. Very sad. I've lost my friend and part of my life's purpose it turns out. So much of my brain was devoted to his care that it's a bit unsettling not to have him to think about when I get up - what's for breakfast, where to go for a walk today, what woudl he like to do?
So many of the small joys in my life came from his joy - me being able to do something that made him happy. That was a wonderful feeling and I am now realising that those small daily joys will be hard for me to find anywhere else. I could try this with the people around me but who am I kidding? I did this with Rudy because of the way I felt about him...different from how I feel about most people.
A friend called me last night to offer condolences and she said "you two found each other at just the right time - you helped him out a lot but he was really good for you at that time in your life." She very correct. Rudy came in to my life (on a daily basis, as he was my sister's dog) when my personal life was a mess and my mind was all over the place. He gave me focus and made me think about someone else before myself. He paid me back for anything I did in in spades with supreme love that never wavered even when I was an idiot. He enjoyed every minute he spent with me and unbelievably for someone as prickly as me, I loved every moment around him.
So part of the mourning I am going through right now is for the loss of the greatest friend I have ever had - but the other is, selfishly as usual, for myself. For the loss and change that I am facing. For the fear that my life has changed for the worse in the last few days and what if I cannot get it back on track, as it was with Rudy? I knwo that I have changed over the time that I have had Rudy and I believe this was for the better. So I want to be sure that these changes stay, a fitting tribute to my boy, my handsose man, my best friend. Perhaps this is what my new purpose needs to be, as God knows I do not want to feel the rudder slip from my hands again.
The finest and truest thing I can say about Rudy is that while he came from a shelter, no one saved him, it was always the other way around.
